Catspupil

As I eat less, and whiten my skin, Your words my sustenance, In my ear, brain, heart, I know - Misery makes poets of us all. You do not realise that absence Is often a greater gift And the best solution. Lump in the throat... You can listen, and look But I've gone invisible. My presence caused a great nothing And nothing more. Your freedom and desperation Makes you swim, and search, Looking to the stars again, How can I take that gift away?

Exhausted already Droning on and on What to do now that All chance seems gone? Art has become grind Shit-shovelling standing Worth even less than that - Pure self-indulgence. I wanted, want so badly To make my mark on this world - I've sacrificed again and again For insecure assets, unsure gain, And now I get excited about Two percent, a chance to run, Somebody else doing something With the time I spent sleeping Where I was in a dreamworld I took entirely for granted. I do not understand my soul, My own characters, my masks. Petty, selfish and vain I hate my reflection This self-reflection This loneliness, cruelty That I reflexively

I don't know if you ever knew That what you wrote Was often a hothouse I never thanked you for - And codes went over my head Because I was curled, warm for once And strangely comfortable, alive, even - Spark a flame underwater. Odd times I was dazed and often I was spaced worse Rambling as I am now. So, thank you, for everything you did And did not know you did, I hate myself for how I behaved A lot of the time. I cannot undo that. A strange genius hangs about me Not innate, just a companion In the true original sense. Any genius you saw in me Was one you summoned.

If I must keep moving Until I am run under It is because of vitriol That must be processed. If you are not fast, You will be food And I must run faster Because I am weak. Not weaker, not stronger, Just older, in different arenas And I do not change overmuch For you. I am what I have learned. Yes, I am harsh, Brutal and brash, Clumsily navigating Social conventions, I hurt you easily Like everyone does. But watching you Throw grandiose tantrums Over a misunderstanding, Poor communication, To see you lash out In a way undeserved, Over my attempt To smooth things over, Well... You are not a child. I will bend

There is a mouth. There are teeth. They will destroy And it will eat. I shall not. I am not here. Stop trying to Pull me back. What is the mark Of a shape-shifter? What is useful in this world? What is valuable Lucrative, Meriting? There is nothing To me, at least. You do not know Anything in here You cannot know Any labyrinth And I will never, Ever tell you. You are not the only one Who keeps secrets Within secrets. You are not the only one Who gives up information As a smokescreen. I don't know Which one of us Is better at it. I will break my heart Systematically Until there is nothing Left Right Gone

Shouting alone, Out into inhuman structures, Your subtleties mishandled You may or may not think, As maybe you might feel, My responses blatant, blunt, Heavy and stumbling With misunderstanding As always. But I gave up second guessing And second gauging Known and unknown reaction When I knew it was fruitless To know or predict a mere cardboard shell, The most you could know of anyone And not drown in them... Or to be so arrogant, To think I could know, utterly, Such a piece of work, a cush, So I buried my self elsewhere For something to do. Yes, I tired of tightrope reading You have had apology, And not reparation, F

I tear through beauty Voraciously With nothing to give In return, nothing I have is my own. I can give what I have Stolen, borrowed, seen, but I can give you little That you need. I can listen, that is all. I can modulate your mood Like a song, sometimes. My fingers are accidentally Clever on your skin, Sometimes. I was geared to be a whore. Nothing else, could barely be less. What I know is so beyond useless I cannot weep anymore, and yet I cannot stop. I cannot stop who I am, what I do. My protestations are too feeble For any noble purpose. I could tell you stories And dreams, and times I thought I loved And ho